Heres a rhyme about the plight of the pi-irate bold. It was when I was watching a re-enactment of the days of the swashbuckling buccaneers I noticed health and safety tape and non slip coating on the "Plank" they were walking!

THE GOOD SHIP ELFNSAFTY

 WAS A PRIVATEER BY TRADE

SHE WAS TIED UP DOWN IN LIVERPOOL

WHILE THE CREW DRANK LEMONADE

THE WHORES AND RUNNERS FLOCKED AROUND

TO CHEER THE BUCKANEERS

BUT THEY HAS TO WEAR  DEFENDERS

TO PROTECT THEIR "LITTLE" EARS.

WE CAST OF FORE WE CAST OFF AFT

BUT THEN THERE WAS A PANIC

WHILE THE ROPES WERE CHECKED

TO SEE IF THEY WERE HYPOALLERGENIC

THEY WERE OF HEMP THE CAPTAIN SAID

WELL SEND THEM FOR A TEST

THE RIGGING TOO WILL HAVE TO GO

LIKEWISE THE BOSUN'S VEST.

TIME CAME TO BEND ON BRAND NEW SAILS

TO CATCH THE BLUSTERY BREEZE

BUT THE CREW LOOKED RATHER NOVEL

AS THEY ALL BENT AT THE KNEES

AND THEN OUR WOES COMPOUNDED

AS WE REALISED OUR PLIGHT

WE WERE'NT ALLOWED TO HOIST THE SAILS

ONE INCH ABOVE HAND HEIGHT.

WELL NEVER MIND CRIED SHANGHAI JACK

ITS TIME FOR OUR RUM RATION

BUT THEN THEY FOUND THAT BOOZING TIME

HAD LOST A LOT OF PASSION

THE SIGN UPON THE BARREL HEAD

WHICH SURELY WAS A JOKE

 READ "PLEASE ENJOY RESPONSIBLY"

AND THEY'D FILLED IT UP WITH COKE.

THE CABIN BOY WAS ALL DONE UP

IN THE BEST HI VIZ APAREL

BUT HE LOST HIS HI VIZ TROUSERS

IT WAS HIS TURN IN THE BARREL

THE CREW ALL TOOK A TICKET

AND LOITERED IN A ROW

WHILE THE LEADING HAND GOT ALCOHOL

AND SPRAYED THEM DOWN BELOW.

SO WE HEADED OFF TO RAID AROUND

THE BURNING HOT EQUATOR

WHERE THE BOSUN'S FACE GOT SCORCHED

JUST LIKE THE SKIN OF AN ALLIGATOR

THEY TIED HIM UP AND SCRUBBED HIM DOWN

TILL HE COULD'NT BE NO CLEANER

THEN LARDED HIM LIKE A ROASTED HOG

WITH A TUB OF NEUTROGENA.

WE HAD TO DISCIPLINE THE MATE

HE WAS BOUND FOR DAVY JONES

BUT THEY SAID THE GNASHING OF THE SHARKS

WAS BAD FOR BRITTLE BONES

SO WE HEADED UP TO NEWFOUNDLAND

AND REACHED THE DOGGER BANK

HE WAS SUCKED TO DEATH BY A SHOAL OF COD

WHEN HE WALKED THE NON SLIP PLANK.

THE CAPTAIN WAS A BRUTAL MAN

WHO USED TO BE A WHALER

BUT HE WAS SOON ARRESTED

 AND THEN BUSTED DOWN TO SAILOR

HE FACED THE APPEAL TRIBUNAL

AND HE COULD'NT HAVE BEEN SORRIER

BUT THEY MADE HIM SHIP AS A CABIN BOY

ABOARD THE THE RAINBOW WARRIOR.

SO WE SAILED BACK INTO PORT

WITHOUT NO SACKING RAPE OR PLUNDER

BUT THE WHORES HAD ALL BEEN CHASED AWAY

AND THE PUBS HAD ALL GONE UNDER

SO WE DONNED OUR HI-VIZ SEA BOOTS

AND WITHOUT A BACKWARDS LOOK

WE SIGNED ABOARD WITH THAT PRIVATEER

WHO'S KNOWN AS THOMAS COOK.