Roys Dog.

Roy wasnt the sharpest tool in the box , he was however possesed of an innate cunning and an eye to the main chance! He was a cook in the local hospital and discharged his responsibilities with varying degrees of efficiency governed mainly by the ammount of alchohol consumed the previous night. He had a casual approach to food production and it was a wonder that the innocent victims of his culinary vandalism , the patients , survived his depradations as they did .
He turned in one morning twenty minutes late as usual and noted with some alarm that his mate Freddy was missing from his usual place at the other end of a broompole that was used to agitate the 50 plus gallons of grey porridge that was the early offering to the unfortunates in the wards.
The porridge was bubbling in the vast steam boiler but without Freddies attentions with the broompole was full of clods and lumps and sticking alarmingly to the bottom of the boiler!
Bloody hell thought Roy, wheres Fred? He asked John the gobbler who was quite interested in Roys plight , "gone orf with the tom tits" said John with a sly grin cocking his head towards the admission room down the corridor. Hmmmm , thought Roy good ruse that, and made a mental note to avail himself of this skive at the earliest opportunity.
A week to the day later saw Roy down at the admission room clutching his belly and groaning and describing his condition to an unsympathetic Doctor Raj who had heard it all before and had Roy subjected to an intrusive examination for no good reason other that that he  , Raj , Could.
Roy was alarmed by this development and hoped that that was the only indignity he would have to suffer. Raj swept out with his coat billowng around him shouting "Three negatives before he comes back" The nurse who seemed quite amused by Roys embarasment Was preparing three tubes in which were long sticks with cotton wool on the end. She described to Roy the process of obtaining a swab test and dismissed him with a face like an Easter island statue!
Later that afternoon in the pub , Roy was relating this tale to his mates and a jaded barmaid who told him that they could tell all sorts of things from this indelicate test , "OOOOh yes!" she said " all about yer habits and what y' do and how much beer y' drink and everything" Winking broadly at him.
Roy was shocked , he thought about the likely revelations with a sense of foreboding as he sat in front of the fire surveying the swab . Then, as he rested his feet on his mothers dog which had sought out the warmest place to lie , Inspiration struck him! He uncorked the swab and lifting the sleeping dog's tail he inserted the first swab into the startled animal whipping it smartly out as the dog growled and snarled at him , but, the job was done and Roy popped it back in the tube with satisfaction.
That should get me a week or so off he thought as he submitted the first swab to the Easter island nurse with a smug grin and waltzed off to the pub to continue his leisure.
It was when he returned with the second swab that he became aware that all was not well. "Easter island " looked even graver than usual and ushered him into a cubicle giving him a green robe and telling him to leave his clothes in a big black plastic bag and rushed off peering at him over her shoulder as she scuttled away
 "Calling Doctor Raj--Calling Doctor Raj" echoed from the tannoy. Roy felt a mounting panic as the tersness of the tannoy sank into his befuddled brain . Standing in his green robe he tried to cover his bottom as "Easter island" poked her head in to see he was still there. Then his heart sank as two big male nurses with masks on and white rubber aprons  hoisted him on to a trolley as Raj watched from a safe distance shouting "Take him off to isolation !"
There then followed a nightmare of intrusive medicine where every fluid was extracted by masked sinister figures and several procedures conducted that would have made the SS. baulk. Dignity was a distant memory and his bottom felt as if he had been assaulted with a pineapple.
Blinking through his dazed condition he wondered what could possibly have afflicted his mothers dog and vowed that if he ever got out alive----That dog was going!!©